The Many and Varied Adventures of The Captain

Random The Captain Fact #1

2006-03-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

The Captain is able to speak Japanese--while standing on his head!

Strangers

2006-03-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

The Captain says, "Don't take money from strangers, because they only want your kidneys."

The Captain Encounters Holden and Atticus

2006-03-04T15:31:00.000-08:00

Oh, a little less than two years ago or so, The Captain first met the two wild beasts known as Holden and Atticus. These were particularly ferocious animals, and many had hitherto fled from their presence. But not The Captain. Oh, no. Not The Captain.

The Captain had at this point taken up residence in the fair city of Naperville, in the land of Illinois (pronounced Ill-i-nwah). He and I were much like the swinging bachelors we are today, only more so. But then came the beasts.

They arrived together in a nylon bag (which has since been torn to shreds), and they were as crazy as a beaten mongoose. When the bag was opened, the only discernable trace of animals were periodic blurs, as they ran hither and thither, as wild beasts are wont to do. The Captain calmly waited for them to settle down a bit, biding his time. Lo and behold! the animals did indeed calm down slightly, and they cautiously crept up to The Captain, and they smelt him. The Captain glanced keenly at them, and a friendship was instantly struck.

Holden and Atticus had been welcomed into the domain of The Captain.

Do you have any questions for The Captain? Do you wonder what he does with his winters, or perhaps where he bides his time when he's not summering in the East Andes? If so, ask away!

What or Where?

2006-02-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

What would you like to see The Captain do, or where would you like to see The Captain go?

(he's looking for some ideas)

The Captain in Charleston and Atlanta

2006-02-11T16:50:00.000-08:00

In one of his very last tours with the Notre Dame Glee Club, The Captain got to experience some of America's finest southern hospitality. The trip down South for The Captain was spent whiling away the hours, dreaming of Mrs. The Captains and days gone by.

While in Atlanta, The Captain was briefly held hostage by a soon-to-be sailor by the name of Derek. It was touch and go for a while, but it all worked out alright in the end. Thank the heavens.

Also in Atlanta, The Captain can be seen posing with Garrett and Derek. Notice that Garrett always has his eyes closed in any picture taken of him. The Captain definitely thinks that's weird.

Finally, in Charleston, The Captain went to a wonderful bar with the NDGC and lamented the fact that he only had a limited time left with that esteemed group. Alas! How time does slip away.

The Captain's ND Gamewatch at...ND

2006-02-02T14:15:00.000-08:00

After a long and arduous journey back to America, The Captain once more took up residence at Notre Dame. There was much rejoicing and merriment on the campus by the students, priests, professors, and squirrels. Actually, if you want to know the truth, everyone was so happy that the University decided to give everyone a week-long holiday right in the middle of the semester. They drank so much that they fell down, or went home. Oftentimes, as a result of these falls (or of going home), these students and friends of Notre Dame would break something. It was forever after named "Fall Break."

Shortly after this "Fall Break," the Notre Dame football team decided to further celebrate The Captain's return to the continent by holding "games," much like the Greek and Romans did when they wanted to celebrate something. The rules were a little unclear (and often still are), but The Captain was nonetheless impressed. He and I decided to view one of these "games" with some friends at the on-campus bar, Legends, and great fun was had by all. At one point, The Captain had actually drunk his height in Corona three times over. Amazing. Whenever the Notre Dame team would scoring, The Captain would do push-ups in the air, mirroring the tradition of the Notre Dame student body. Oh, the number of push-ups he did on that fateful day! After the game, which, backed by the encouragement of The Captain, Notre Dame won handily, the coach called The Captain to congratulate him once again on his great return from Australia. You should have been there--The Captain played it so cool. Nothing phases him. Sometimes I have dreams where I'm The Captain and he's me and I get all the chicks and admirers and free stuff and The Captain blogs about me and tries not to cry himself to sleep. But I always wake up.

Back in Black (or, er...red)

2006-01-24T13:32:00.000-08:00

Happily, The Captain has returned from his long and arduous journey through the evil BestBuyLand. He is now once again able to regale us all with tales of his odd and strangely interesting adventures!

First, he must catch up on a tag sent from Danielle. You should all listen very carefully, for some of information divulged here has never before been made public...

4 jobs i've had (time at job)
Longshoreman (approx. 3 years); Shady Drifter (4 years, off and on); First Mate (14 years); The Captain (indeterminate)

4 movies i'd watch over and over
Hook; Cast Away; Pirates of the Caribbean; Zoolander

4 places i have lived (time at locale)
Spokane, Washington (3 years); Drifting aimlessly in the Pacific Ocean (5 years total); Drifting aimlessly in the Atlantic Ocean (2 years total); Guam (12 years)

4 tv shows i love
Lost; The A Team; 24; Charles in Charge

4 places i've been on vacation
Turkmenistan; Southeastern Nepal; Bali; the Ivory Coast

4 favorite foods
Ramen noodles; Salmon; Green olives; Sauerkraut

4 websites i visit daily
Vandelay Industries; weather.com; corona.com; jackdaniels.com

4 bloggers who are now tagged!

YOU! (if you want to)

More The Captain updates soon!!!

Bad News

2006-01-19T16:38:00.000-08:00

Sadly, the tales of The Captain must be put on hold for just a bit longer, for The Captain's pictures are on a computer currently at Best Buy getting fixed. And what's a story without pictures?! But rest assured, The Captain will be back in action in no time!

The Captain in Rome

2006-01-07T09:53:00.000-08:00

While in Australia, I decided to fly to Rome for a visit (I know, pretty far away, right?). Well, of course The Captain came

along. And because Rome is one of my favorite places on Earth and The Captain was with me, it was a ROCKIN' time.

First we hit up the Vatican because the Pope wanted to have a private audience with The Captain. I was a bit miffed that I wasn't allowed to go in or even meet the Pope, but St. Peter's was at least pretty. What the Pope and The Captain talked about for 7 hours I will never know.

Next we went to the Roman Forum, which was pretty sweet.

Perhaps the most interesting of the stops was to the Colosseum.

When I told The Captain that in ancient times gladiators used to fight there, he became very interested. He thought for a while, then he challenged me to an arm-wrestling contest. I lost.

We flew back to Australia.

The Captain's New Year's Eve

2006-01-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna take a break from telling the story of The Captain's past to give a glimpse at his present. Last night, The Captain had a rockin' New Year's at a party sponsored in part by Tara, and he had an awesome time!

The party was in Bucktown (in Chicago, for those who don't know), and it was at a sweet-ass apartment (that I'm very jealous of, actually; if something like that existed in Naperville, I'd sweep it up in a second). There were many famous people there, such as the aforementioned Tara, the illustrious Dana, and the ugly pug known as Stella.

At one point, it got so crazy that The Captain was actually blindfolded (and I don't have to tell you want happened from there...

Afterwards, the party shifed to Tara's place, and Tara was thoroughly entertained by The Captain--he kept telling her that she was a HOT MESS, and she kept laughing. It actually got annoying after awhile.

So there you have it, folks, a glimpse into The Captain's present, wild-and-crazy life in Illinois.

NYE

2005-12-31T16:47:00.000-08:00

6:46PM: The Captain is currently partyingitup at Tara's for NYE. Post forthcoming.

Introducing...Mini The Captain!

2005-12-28T09:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true. While I was in Australia, Mini The Captain came aboard. Here's how it happened.

So The Captain and I were minding our business, enjoying the fine Australian microbrew and meat pies, sitting on the beach, catching a nice tan. The sun beat down upon us. The sand was gritty. [cue:Hemingway] When out of nowhere came two of the girls we were studying with in Oz (named Nancy and Naomi).

Girls: "Brian, The Captain, you're not going to believe this!"

Brian: "What?"

Girls: "We've found a miniature version of The Captain!"

The Captain: "What?"

Girls: "Yeah! He looks just like you!"

Brian: "What?"

Girls: "The Captain has a smaller version!"

The Captain: "What?"

Girls: "He's in the Western Australia Maritime Museum gift shop!"

Brian and The Captain: "What?"

So The Captain and I left the sandy confines of the beach, threw on some appropriate clothing and turfed it to the museum. As we walked into the door, an attendant asked us if we'd like to buy a ticket. We politely declined, but asked where the gift shop was located. She directed us to the location.

And there, nestled among sketches of skiffs and plastic anchors, was Mini The Captain. The Captain was at once a little alarmed. He started sweating as he carefully examined Mini The Captain.

"Well, I'll be!" he exclaimed under his breath.

We quickly purchased Mini The Captain (for AUS$12!) and took him back to the dorm with us. He and The Captain talked along the way.

The Captain: "Hello, sir."

Mini The Captain: "Hi there!"

The Captain: "Where did you come from?"

Mini The Captain: "The same place you did, of course."

At this point, The Captain seemed to reflect a bit. When we got back to the dorm, he asked to be alone with Mini The Captain. I waited outside the door for what seemed like hours.

Finally, he let me back in. He explained to me that Mini The Captain was actually part of The Captain. He drew a comparison to the Austin Powers Mini-Me.

"It's like he's a smaller version of me. He's exactly the same in every way, except that he's half my size," The Captain explained.

"Awesome," I said, excited that we'd have another member in our party. "So we can take him with us in our adventures?!"

"Of course--he's just a little me. He's Mini The Captain!"

And so Mini The Captain's legacy began.

The Captain's Button!

2005-12-26T08:08:00.001-08:00

Here's a neat button you can put on your own website or blog to show that The Captain has visited you.

How to install The Captain's Button on your site:

1. Right-click on the button and "Save Picture As..." onto your desktop.

2. Sign up for an account with an image hosting service such as Photobucket.

3. Upload the saved button into your online album.

4. After the upload is complete, you will see three fields at the bottom of the screen.

5. Copy the text from the "Tag" field.

6. Paste the following code into your website template: < href="http://adventuresofthecaptain.blogspot.com"> ["tag" box from photobucket]< /a>.

7. Remove the brackets around the tag data you got from photobucket, as well as the extra spaces around the "<" and ">". Enjoy!

FYI--I used the instructions from The Complimenting Commenter as a guide. Thanks, CC!

The Captain's Australian Adventure Part III: The Captain in Kalgoorlie

2005-12-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

One of the neatest things I did in Australia was to go to a small mining town in the middle of the continent, along with The Captain. It was literally in the middle of nowhere, and it had a number of working brothels. As a matter of fact, Kalgoorlie boasts the only working brothel in the world that actually gives tours (which we of course took). Quite an interesting experience--themed rooms, what have you.

The Captain really took to Kalgoorlie. We checked out this huge hole in the ground called the Superpit, which apparently is the largest whole in the Southern Hemisphere (think Grand Canyon). To give you a sense of how big the trucks were that would go down there and bring up rocks and metals and things, The Captain climbed up on one of the spare tires.

While in Kalgoorlie, The Captain kept going off on his own. Once I found him at that brothel that gave tours. I'm not sure if he was getting a tour or what, but he was with this small The-Captain-sized prostitute figurine, which was a little awkward for both of us.

Another time, I found The Captain in the middle of a mine. How he got there, I'll never know, but he seemed to be looking for some sort of precious metal (he called it "bling").

As you know, The Captain is certainly a partier. It was really difficult to pull him away from Kalgoorlie, but in the end we got back to Fremantle relatively okay.

The Captain's Australian Adventure Part II: The Captain Hits the Beach!

2005-12-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

So while in Australia The Captain and I would go out to the beaches looking for beaches. Haha. Get it? There were even some nude beaches. But in general we stayed well away from those dens of sin (I know for a fact that some of my students know about this blog). I would NEVER go anywhere near a nude beach, or ANYWHERE where questionable morality is taking place (there, that should hold the little tykes). Now that we've got all of the lying done for this post, let's move on to The Captain at the beaches in Australia.

Needless to say, any female in a 5 mile radius would flock to The Captain once they saw him (completely ignoring me). I can't tell you how many times I would go out into the ocean, and when I would come back some fine ladies would be around The Captain, rubbing tanning oil on him and whatnot. Man, how does that The Captain do it?!? At one point, The Captain initiated a sand volleyball tournament, and there were all of these Aussie girls playing v-ball with him--and he can't even MOVE. I mean COME ON (GOB Bluth-esque). What's a personal mascot for if not to attract the ladies?

But it was nice spending some time out in the hot Aussie sun with The Captain, even if we did get skin cancer after about two hours. He would give me some pointers to use with the ladies, and I would tell him about James Joyce. He could never get enough Finnegan's Wake. Crazy The Captain.

The Captain's Australian Adventure Part I: A Tall Ship and 'Roos!

2005-12-18T05:39:00.000-08:00

When I studied abroad in Australia The Captain came along (of course!), and had many more adventures than even I could ever hope to recount. But I will try to you an overview anyway.

One of the first things we did in Australia was take a voyage on a real life tall ship--you know, one of those ships with masts and rigging and whatnot. Needless to say, The Captain was right at home. At one point, he even took control of steering the ship. I think he had a lot more experience than he let on, as he is a weathered sea captain after all. The crew seemed to do whatever he said, and we ended up going to this island that no one had ever heard of and that wasn't on any of the maps. It was sweet.

The Captain was also there when I saw my first wild kangaroos! We were going for an early-morning walk in the woods (I used to get up ridiculously early while studying in Australia), and the path turned a bit, and there were the kangaroos! The Captain seemed to know they would be there, I don't know how though. I love kangaroos. They're my totem animal.

Stayed tuned for the next installment of The Captain's Australian Adventure!

The Captain Hits Up California

2005-12-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

Before I studied abroad in Australia during the spring semester of my junior year, The Captain and I took a trip to California. While it wasn't my first trip to the state, The Captain had certainly been there before, and he made this quite clear. Our conversations while visiting would go something like this:

Brian: "Hey, The Captain! Check out the Hollywood sign. That's neato!"

The Captain: "Man, I built that motha!"

Brian: "Holy crap, The Captain, you built the Hollywood sign?"

The Captain: "Damn straight. Not only that, you see those stars on the sidewalk?"

Brian: "Yeah..."

The Captain: "Those are all my fake names."

Brian: "You mean to tell me--"

The Captain: "That's right, my man. I been around the block a few times."

Brian: "I should say so!"

The Captain: "That's enough chit chat. Let's hit up the In-and-Out Burger."

Brian: "I'm down."

As you could probably guess, it was pretty sweet being in CA with The Captain. He even gave me surfing lessons.

Google Ad

2005-12-12T13:34:00.000-08:00

The Captain and I both think it's hilarious that as of 3:35pm, 12/12/05, the Google AdSense ad on this site is for "Largemouth Bass Secrets".

Here's a picture of the only time The Captain has been fishing, and he certainly wasn't fishing for largemouth bass. But if he had been, he'd already know their secrets.

Damn straight.

The Captain Gets Visitors

2005-12-11T07:45:00.000-08:00

While I was a student at Notre Dame, I lived in Carroll Hall all four years. It seems that The Captain used this location as a staging ground for receiving social calls--he would constantly be getting lady--and gentleman!--callers, during all hours of the day.

I was able to document a few of these visitors by taking their pictures, but there were far too many to do a decent job.

First, there was Jimbo. For some reason, things went awry between the two of them, and Jimbo challenged The Captain to a wrestling match. You can see the results for yourself.

Next there was my cousin, Chris, who was visiting from Dayton. And you guessed it--Chris was mainly there for The Captain, not for me. =(

Susan also came by frequently to visit The Captain. Her "boyfriend" Adam, my neighbor, didn't like it too much.

Finally, when The Captain was resting, he would perch on top of my desk. I think this was his way of asserting his dominance over me and all who would enter into my dorm room.

2005-12-07T17:20:00.000-08:00

The Captain turns activist.

The Captain in Dayton, Ohio

2005-12-06T16:33:00.000-08:00

The next adventure The Captain took was with me to my hometown of Dayton, Ohio. He told me he really wanted to meet my parents and high school friends, but as always I suspected he had some sort of ulterior motive. I was right.

It was nice to have someone to drive with--we talked about sports, and girls, and video games, and largemouth bass fishing. It was mostly The Captain who talked about the largemouth bass fishing.

We got in okay, and I introduced him to my parents, which went fine. My mom kept giving me strange looks for some reason, though. My cats also seemed to get along with The Captain pretty well, although I don't think he was too fond of them. He later told me they smelled like cat food. Sometimes The Captain can be so CRAZY!

On our last night in Dayton I couldn't find The Captain anywhere. I looked in my room, in the basement, out in the yard, everywhere. No The Captain. Worried, I told my parents that I was going to scour the city.

It was around 2:00am I believe when I finally found him at a neighborhood bar with my old high school girlfriend. I should have known--The Captain was someone you could have a good time with, but certainly not someone you could trust. I was really disappointed in him, but I guess you have to expect that when you live with such a dynamic person as The Captain. Anyway, I left that bar when I found him, and I'm not exactly sure what time he got in that night, and I didn't ask any questions. All I know is that he was ready to go back to ND the next morning, and we didn't talk about it the whole ride back.

Here's to you, The Captain.

2005-12-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

Slummin'

The Captain and Debauchery

2005-12-03T15:07:00.000-08:00

Once The Captain returned from his infamous trip to Mount Rushmore, he needed to “wind down” (as he put it). What this turned out to be was even more debauchery. I would be trying to study or read, and in would walk some students that The Captain had invited over. I tried to enjoy myself in these little get-togethers, but after a while, enough was enough.

At about 3:00am one morning, I cornered him in my dorm room. I explained to him that I’m the one that brings in the money and provides food and shelter for us. He countered that he’s the one that brings in the ladies for us. I really didn’t know what to say—I realized he was right. But he graciously agreed to be a little more sensitive when it came to the partying. We finally came to an understanding, and now The Captain almost always consults me when he wants to have guests over, even now, living in Naperville.

The Captain has so much class. Sometimes I don’t feel worthy to be his roommate.

Mission: North Dakota

2005-12-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

Once The Captain and I got to know each other pretty well, he started taking me places, and we would go on excursions. Adventures, really. The first significant trip we took together was with the Notre Dame Glee Club, with whom I had been singing since I started at ND. Now it was (and still is, to the best of my knowledge) the practice of the NDGC to schedule tours during the week-long Fall and Spring breaks to sing across the country (and world, during the summers). This particular Fall break, NDGC thought that they had scheduled a tour for the upper Midwest of the States. Well, a tour had been scheduled for this area, but it wasn't done by NDGC--it was orchestra solely by The Captain.

Now, I've never been exactly sure how The Captain is able to get so much done, and so much of such significance; I always say, "The Captain works in mysterious ways." I'll notice the little things often enough--say a shirt of mine has been ironed, or my alarm clock already set for me--but it's the big things I can't explain--events he's set in motion that defy the laws of space and time.

But anyway, as I was saying, he orchestrated the whole tour (his first), and we made stops in Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Dakota, and South Dakota--quite a full itinerary for seven days. And he was living it up the whole time: we'd be out late (as college studens are often wont to do), but The Captain would stumble in well after we had turned in for the night, often waking us from a dead sleep. But it was clear almost from the beginning that The Captain had some sort of ultimate plan in mind...

It was one of the last days of tour when we went to Mount Rushmore. It was lightly snowing, and it was bitterly cold. We trudged up to get a glimpse of those venerable faces, wishing only to snap a picture and return to the bus as soon as possible. As we neared the site, we noticed that a fog had moved in, all but obscuring the view. Others were frustrated and took pictures out of spite, but I knew better. This was no ordinary fog.

I took The Captain out of my backpack and had a friend hold him up appropriately. I took the picture. Yes, The Captain had put together this tour for a reason. I looked down at the viewfinder of my camera, and sure enough, the presidents were extremely faint, but clear as day was The Captain. He had gotten what he had come for.

The Origins of The Captain

2005-11-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

The Captain was originally purchased in a Meijer in South Bend, IN while I was a student at Notre Dame in the Fall of 2002.

I had heard a calling from somewhere in the area for a sidekick/mascot, but I was at first unable to discern where the call was coming from. Armed with my trusty dorm neighbor Erich P. and my "ND WOW" minivan, I scoured the greater South Bend and Mishawaka area. We tried everywhere: Toys 'R Us, Wal-Mart, even Best Buy. But nowhere could we find the source of the call that resonated deep within my soul. Almost defeated, we decided to try one more arena, the Meijer that was nearest to Carroll Hall (our dorm). And lo and behold, sitting upon a shelf was none other than The Captain himself, marked inexplicably with a $12.99 pricetag.

And so The Many and Varied Adventures of The Captain were born.